I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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