y did u give ur computer a hand job?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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