Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
