I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
