tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
