Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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