my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize
