drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
