Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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