he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
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Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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