Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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