You smell like stripper and shame
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
