Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
