somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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