It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We just shotgunned beers for America
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
