So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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