Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
