So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
