Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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