i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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