i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
