I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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