I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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