Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
