i just sent this text using only my big toe
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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