I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
