All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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