while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
