i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
