I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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