I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
