Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
