this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
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