I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
