On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
