When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I would ride that face into the sunset
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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