when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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