Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
