You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
