franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
