I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
