I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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