matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
