I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
