Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
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I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
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I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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