i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Dignity is for republicans.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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