It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
