ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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