I CAN MOONWALK!
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
