I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
