...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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