sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
