Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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