my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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