i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Randomize