I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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