why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
