My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
