I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
