I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
